Every day I thank my lucky stars for this beautiful family of mine, they are everything and more than I could have ever dreamed of. From the moment I met Michael, I knew he was the one for me, that he was my person, and he was my one, and the only person I could ever imagine building my family with. Over the past 17 years, we have created the most beautiful life together. And today I celebrate my gratitude to Michael for being my rock, my best friend, my soul mate, my everything.
A few months back Michael and I were thrilled, we had just found out we were pregnant, and though we were surprised, we were excited. It didn’t take long before we began to prepare for a life filled with more little people in it. And much to our surprise, we came to find out it was twins! After our shock, came acceptance and excitement. A few weeks later, our new dream of our growing family came crashing down; we had a miscarriage. This was a shock. Honestly, my first instinct was to say I was fine, and to be honest; I was trying to be. I thought I had to be, for my family, for myself. I had to jump on a plane and go to work being surrounded by babies and kids while I was still miscarrying. That was interesting.
I remember something one of my best friends told me during my first pregnancy, if the pregnancy is viable it will stick, if the baby (babies) are not viable they won’t. Though this makes perfect sense and was something I even said when I shared the news of our pregnancy to our closest friends, this challenged me. Because though it made sense in my head, my heart could not make sense of it. I never really considered that I would miscarry being that I had already had two healthy pregnancies. This was my misconception, you see, I didn’t know much about miscarriages and I didn’t know many people who had miscarried, or so I thought. It wasn’t until I started sharing our loss that I found out many people I knew shared the same scars. I was now part of a group, the unspoken and hidden group who mourn their losses in the shadows. This was the hardest part, suffering in silence. Every time I shared what we were going through I made people uncomfortable, no one ever knows what to say, and to be honest, there is nothing to say. Most people who are sharing their story, we aren’t looking for anything just the opportunity to share their story. It is with sharing it that the healing begins, the acceptance that it happened, it is when you ignore it or pretend that it never happened that you cause more pain. Dismissing it almost makes it worse.
It has been a few months now, and with time has come healing, but it took time. It is crazy how quickly you can adopt the idea of a new life and how fast that can all go away. I am incredibly grateful for my rock of a husband who had patience while I worked through the gammot of emotions. I had my girlfriends who I relied on too, who though I didn’t talk with them much during this time, who constantly checked in and left me messages and gave me the time to heal but also to show the support was there when I wanted or needed it. To these ladies, I will forever be grateful, they are my ride or dies. They knew me and gave me the space to heal.
We still have dreams of growing our family but now more than ever, I look at Kenzie, Hutton, and Michael and just feel full. If we are blessed with more children they will fill us with more love, but for now, I look at my family and I am GRATEFUL, BLESSED, and THANKFUL.
So today, I share my scars because the one thing I want to say, is no one should suffer in silence. To speak up and share your wounds, to allow them the opportunity to heal. Let’s remove the stigma, miscarriages happen, they are nothing to be ashamed of.
So today I celebrate all that I have because I am surrounded by love and the most beautiful souls.
And I want to say thankful to all of you for giving me a space to be raw and real, to be me, to share my story, and to continue my journey of healing. I am excited to see what 2019 has in store for our family as we finish off 2018 and walk away that much stronger.
❤️ Thanks❤️ for sharing your private story❤️ May you be blessed with more kids🍀🙏 namaste
PS: I just LOVE 7th heaven. Got it all on dvd.
🥰 Betina, Denmark
thank you for your wisdom and though in the back of your mind you can’t help but wonder all the what ifs .. you have a amazing support system of family and friends. thank you sharing your story it shows that no one is alone. the dad’s Grieve just as well as Moms do. it’s hard i agree. happy thanksgiving Beverly&Michael Kenzi&Hutton
i am. a firm beliver that someday we all will see our angels babies again
thank you for being a inspiration and role model to all women and girls everywhere.
Bev I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I also heard the same thing that it meant it wasn’t a viable pregnancy. Your great parents and I hope it’s in Gods plan to bless you with another baby. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.
Dear Beverley, you truly are an inspiration. I’ve watched 7th heaven and rewatched it with my kids, and I love you as Lucy. I wanted to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, went through miscarriage, and just like you, I didn’t think it would happen to me, but it did. I have two beautiful healthy children and feel very grateful for that and my husband. It is hard and I don’t think I’ll ever forget he baby that I lost, but if I were to give any advise, I’d say focus on the your healthy beautiful children, they need you. I hope you have as many more children as you would like and have a wonderful life!
My first pregnancy was a surprise and we were shocked when we found out but fell in love with that baby so fast. Our first appointment was great, we saw the heartbeat and shared the news with our loved ones. However at the second appointment they told me that the pregnancy would have to end because of what is called a blighted ovum. It was the most devastating day of my life knowing that I wouldn’t be carrying our child anymore. Once I shared the sad news so many people came to me with their own stories of heartbreak which didn’t make it easier but certainly made me feel less alone. I am happy to say that 2 years later I had a viable pregnancy and welcomed my little boy into the world 7 weeks ago. Thanks for sharing your story and I hope you know that you aren’t alone. I hope you continue to heal but I know all too well the ‘what ifs’ that never quite leave your mind.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This blog post sums up everything I feel about my miscarriage. After actively trying for months, we finally hit the jackpot. But a few days later, it went away. It was heartbreaking and sad. I feel like I carry around this dirty little secret. I feel like I want to tell people and I realize that telling people is simply part of the healing process. I finally understand why now I feel the need to share my story. So many women have gone through this, but we don’t realize it. So many of us stay silent. God bless you and your beautiful family. May you be blessed with more children should it be part of your beautiful future. 🙂
Beverly, I am so very sorry that you have gone through this. I had two miscarriages many years ago. Your emotions will be like a rollercoaster ride! You will be excited when a friend or sibling announces a pregnancy, but it will also be some of the most difficult emotions you will suffer! There is a wonderful book that helped me through some tough days called I’ll Hold You in Heaven! Praying for healing for you and your family!
Thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I also lost our twin boys exactly 1 month ago today. I was about 15 weeks along. It has been truly devastating and it feels wrong not to acknowledge what happened to them and our experience. I have learned a lot about grief, empathy, kindness and love throughout this whole ordeal. Sending love and hugs to you and your family.
Thank you so much for using your public voice for sharing. It is so important we talk about it, to help each other heal and know it happens way more than we can think at first.
I am also happy and blessed to be the divorced mom of two amazing little ones, and I shared with them another baby was in my belly but wasn’t strong enough to join our family.
Children feel everything, your happiness when you’re pregnant, but also your terrible sadness after the loss so its very important to share and explain them what happened, adapting to their age of course.
I have had two miscarriages and haven’t been able to conceive since my last. One was at 4 months and the other was at 8 weeks. It is so hard when you monthly have to pee on a stick and pray that something different will appear then that negative. I just hope that eventually all of the cards will fall into place. Thank you for sharing your story.
On 8.11. I learned that we will become parents again, on 15.11. did not hit the heart. We were hit by the clouds very hard on the ground of the facts. The others say everything happens for a reason and that nature regulates. If something is wrong, protect it and let it go. Yes, but you do not want to hear facts at the moment because it is connected to our hearts right from the start. We change with the moment the knowledge that matures in us. And then there is this aprubte tear and you are facing emptiness. I mourned for a week for this unborn life saying goodbye. Then I came to the hospital this Thursday and had to endure this procedure. The road was cleared with tears and loving sisters who told me that it may be that I grieve, but there will soon be a look to the future. They said that I can look forward to the operation. My little daughter had taken me to the hospital, she looked at my father’s hand deep in the eyes and said * But tomorrow you come home again, I love you, Mom *. This thought about my daughters gave me the strength to cope with this renewed deep break, which finally made me realize that it should not be. Now I am sitting here writing the whole and listening to my girls laughing in the background.And that’s what prevents it from falling into sadness again, I know if it’s supposed to be, it’s welcome and the girls will be the most wonderful sisters anyone can ask for.
First, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine, how this must be. When I was told, that I will never be able to carry a child, my world broke apart. I felt a sense of pain, that I never felt before and it was heart breaking, literally. But instead of keeping silent about it, I talked about it… a lot. And it helped me to accept my faith. It is true, only when you talk about it, will you be able to heal. And interesting enough, I realized, there are so many more women who go through the same like me. We need to stop being quiet about it, because it isn’t anyones fault but just a cruel part of human nature.
You my dear are so much more human I will pray for you because even though you had a miscarriage you still suffered a loss as an angel mom I do understand thank you for sharing and I will add you to my prayers
I am so sorry for your losses. I am also in that group after suffering 5. It’s great you had such a great support system I wish I had that. I hope you continue to heal.
Bev, thank you for sharing your story. The misconception of miscarriage is scary. I had one last March and it made for the worst year of my life including a horrible bout of depression. I’m better now but my due date will always be engraved in my mind and a reminder of the child that is now in God’s hands.
My son was killed 8 years ago on his way to school. He was in his first year of college. I’m still healing and it still hurts. Grieving for a loss of a loved one has no timeless. It’s still day by day for me. I was blessed with 17 wonderful years with him .
Thanks for using your platform to share your story. I agree this is such an unspoken/hidden world. I think of my first pregnancy almost daily, even after 4+ years and a healthy pregnancy resulting in the light of my life (Lucy!). Even still, very few of my family and friends know of our miscarriage.
Thank you for sharing this. Having just suffered my first miscarriage on Friday (I too have a healthy child – who is almost 3 1/2 now). It’s all so raw, and sad and sucks. Reading your reflection on it all helps. Thank you for NOT being silent about it.
I am a part of the silent group of which you speak. I became so a year and a half age, then again six months ago. I have experienced both the support and the uncomfortableness of friends and family. Today marks two years since I found out I was pregnant, and I still have times of accute grief. Don’t be surprised when you find yourself in moments of desperate grief even years later. My grief has found a place in my heart, but I still bring it up and even purposely cry over my losses at times. It is an endless process, yet I don’t begrudge it. I hope it will be the same for you.