Some days suck…

Today is the kind of day where no matter how hard I try to change my perspective, I just can’t find my happy place. It is the day that I feel my ugliest, my hair is making me crazy l and of course I can’t forget the protruding love handles that are completely overwhelming my jeans, and I feel completely fogotten.  Yep so that is the day that I am having. I know none of these things are true, I know I am not ugly, nor fat, nor unloved. Yet I feel these things so strongly. I feel like my head is in a tailspin, I know these are my insecurities at play and boy are they having a field day. It is kind of a blessing and a curse to be so acutely aware of your feelings and the truth. Often your “feelings” feel like the “truth” but are they really? Because at the moment I feel an awful lot and none of it is good. I feel like a hideous creature that is unworthy of love and anything good but I know none of this is true. I feel like my mind is at war and today the enemy is winning. All I want to do is put on my baggiest and most unflattering sweats and curl into a ball, eat a box  (more like two) of thin mints and watch mindless tv to drown out these overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. I know that tomorrow is another day filled with promises and possibilities and there is a very good chance that these feelings will not exist tomorrow. Though today is day that the minutes feel like years. It is the day that I can find something wrong with everything about me. I have nothing nice to say about myself, it has been a long time since I felt a low like this and I think that is the hardest part. I don’t like feeling this way, I mean who really does.  Today all of my deepest and dark insecurities are wreaking havoc on my confidence and heart. Every dark thought has invaded the space of my happy place and no matter how hard I try to use my tricks of pulling me out of my “funk” I continue to fail. I am not feeling sorry for myself, simply put I am annoyed. I have found great strength in my usual ability to turn my thoughts around and give myself a place of power but for some reason today my heart and my mind have lost the fight. I am not quite sure why that is, is it that today is the first day of my period, is it that right now I am in a place of transition. I don’t know really.
You can see how all of the negative “feelings” make me want to crawl into bed and cry myself into oblivion, really not an option. The hard part about today is that I am keenly aware of the dangers of these thoughts and giving them any power in my life yet for some reason, for today they are leaving me helpless and barely able to breathe. I am a huge believer and advocate of positive thinking and the ability to change your perspective and retain the power to live a good life filled with infinite opportunities just for some reason today, it’s like that thing in my brain that helps me think like that is broken. It just forgot to work today and it totally sucks. I feel like the lost teenager all over again and to be honest it has been a long time and I don’t dig it. I guess it is days like this that will make me stronger, though at the moment I have never felt weaker, plus I am pretty sure that the fact that I began my “monthly cycle” doesn’t help. Oh the joys of being a woman. I mean really, you know that a man could never handle the insanity of estrogen overload. I mean, honestly!

Enough of my pity party, time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it and get out of this damn house, though it is quite a nice house if I do say so myself.  Ok enough for today, tomorrow will be better!