The past week I have found myself reflecting on what might have been. You see, if I didn’t miscarry, I would have a baby, possibly two babies joining our family. Though I understand in my heart that this was not our path, I can’t help but wonder. Through this process, I have come to terms with it and have been ok; I talk about it often just because I don’t want to hide the fact that it happened, I had a miscarriage. I am not looking for sympathy just the acknowledgment that it happened, because what hurts the most, at least for me is the dismissal of it. But this last week has thrown me a curveball, and I have been downright SAD. I’ve been struggling, I’m physically fine but my heart hurts, and my mind is tired. My husband is a saint and has been so kind and supportive; he lets me feel what I need to but is there to pick up the pieces and just hold me. I look at our two beautiful and I am so incredibly grateful but in my heart I know we are not complete, I so strongly feel there is another little soul waiting to join our family, and that is where I struggle. Behind my smile, my heart just hurt! And of course the kids talk about wanting another brother or sister so that is tough.
This was right after we realized there were two!
Though last week was hard, I am grateful because I know the sadness will lift and though it was challenging, I am stronger because of it. The hardest part was allowing myself to feel SAD and be ok with NOT BEING OK. Life will unfold in the magic that it is, as long as I give it the space to unfold. I have to keep the faith and trust that with time will heal. I have always been real with you all, and you may have noticed a shift in my energy this past week on social media. I don’t ever want to be the one to pretend and to hide behind a perfect life (ps there is no such thing), and I think the gift of social media is the love and support, the sense of community. So I wanted to share my truth with you all and thank you for giving me a platform, for being honest and real.
Everyone grieves differently and what has thrown me off, I honestly felt that I had gotten through that process, but it snuck up on me. I find myself yearning for those babies I see everywhere, and my heart hurts. And last week I let it hurt. I gave myself a week to feel it all, the sadness, the exhaustion, the pure frustration. And boy did I feel it. But this week I have made the decision to move forward, to focus on the beauty of my life, my incredible husband and the two most beautiful angels that I could not be more grateful. This week will be a good week because that is the space I am creating.
So to all those who are suffering, know that it is ok to take time to feel it all. Give yourself a minute, sometimes life sucks but in the same breath life can be pure MAGIC. So let yourself feel, but also allow yourself to be open to the beauty and the magic too. Because in the darkness there is the beauty of the light!
SENDING YOU ALL MOUNTAINS OF LOVE AND THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE PLATFORM TO SHARE AND BE VULNERABLE. WE ARE IN THIS LIFE TOGETHER AND WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER. SO BE KIND AND KNOW THAT EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING GOING ON BEHIND THEIR SMILE.
Have you ever just given yourself a dedicated amount of time to grieve? It doesn’t work for everyone but for me, I like to give myself a time table. It helps me. But that is just me.
Thank you for sharing your story! I don’t share my story because I feel awkward when people apologize and feel bad like they’ve stuck their foot in their mouth if I mention I have had a miscarriage because I truly feel at peace with my journey. So I usually just don’t talk about but I wanted to share my story with you.
My first pregnancy I had a miscarriage. I had a couple of days off from work, just my usual days off, and just let all the sadness out. My husband spent one of those days with me as well. I went back to work and back to every day stuff and was feeling fine and then out of no where I felt like something just exploded. I came home from work and my husband and I starting having the dumbest argument about him not putting the corn holder dishes away (yes, I totally remember!). And it hit me that over the last couple of weeks everything that was annoying me was annoying me more than it should have or would have normally and it was because I had something I was so happy and excited for and it was just gone. And it was every day stuff like work frustration and financial frustration that were there before we found out we were expecting but seemed worse after losing that joy if adding to our family. I had something I was looking forward to something that I had been wanting and trying for and that was just pure love.
I was lucky to become pregnant again fairly quickly and we were so excited. We welcomed our little boy Wyatt to the world in November of 2013. But it was when we decided to add just one more to our family that it hit me and filled that hole that was still in my heart. My first pregnancy I was due in February, which was awesome because I am a February baby, and we welcomed our second little boy Owen to the world February of 2016. I just felt like it was meant to be. Owen came to us (almost the same exact due date) at just the perfect time.
Sending lots of love to you and your family!
Im so sorry this has happened to you, i too suffered a miscarige & have been trying up to a year to get pregnant. This process is so hard & I’ve learn most women have gone thru it. I hope by talking about it helps you cope with it & just like everything happens for a reason even if we dont like it. Take care & I hope you body heels & lets you have another healthy baby🙏🏻 Xoxo Carol from Puerto Rico
You’ll definitely be in my prayers. Thanks for sharing your blog. It’s help inspire me as well
I understand how you are feeling. I was blessed with my first lil angel and shortly after his birth I was informed I was pregnant again. This time I was not o lo blessed with 1 angel but 3 beautiful little souls. When we found out we were in utter shock but so excited but shortly after I went in for a regular exam and was I formed one of the babies no longer had a heartbeat. Going back in forth to appts and seeing all 3 babies but knowing all along I would only be taking 2 hone was very difficult. It took me some time to heal and 9 months later I still am. I look at my twins sweet faces and think what if your other brother was here, which in turns leads me down a dark back. I felt your story and it brought me some relief to know I am not alone.
I too had a miscarriage. I was 11 weeks along and it was the worst time in my life! I thought , how could I ever feel good again? Our Doctor told us if we wanted to try again to wait for a year. Your body needs the time to heal and you need time to grieve. So we waited and tried again and we’re blessed with a little girl! We were all so excited! I pray you will have another baby and your heart will get to heal! I am a believer that one day when we pass we will hold our babies and our hearts will be complete! Many blessings to you🤗
Thank you for sharing your story. Grief is such an odd thing st times, sneaking up on you. I have 2 angel babies in heaven, October 1998 and October 2003. I’m grateful for my 2 healthy children, time has moved on, it does get easier. It does sneak up at times though. I have a little blue stone with a baby wrapped in angel wings that I keep as a memory of my 2 sweet angel babies. Thinking of you and your family.
My husband and I tried for 1.5 years to have a baby. We finally found out we were pregnant and were over-the-moon excited. We made plans. We bought these cute “only the best parents get promoted to grandparents” mugs to announce to our families. We booked a photographer. And then our worlds came crashing down when I found out I miscarried last month. Pretending like it wasn’t a big deal has been exhausting. I missed exactly a half-day of work, just to visit my OB to find out it was truly a miscarriage. You wouldn’t look at me and see scars, but they are there. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one, and that people with seemingly perfect lives have gone through the same.